The more time I spend with rebound and make new memories, the more I cherish the ones of the ex. I don't ever want to forget him. He was the big love of my life, my greatest addiction, my biggest mistake (that I do not regret). I wanted to save him, life him up, love him; instead, I grew cold and mean in the end.

One night in his old apartment, we had finished having sex and light was coming in through his blinds. He looked at me, told me I was beautiful and said that my skin glowed in the light. It was one of the few compliments that I have received in my life that did not make me cower and turn away. In later years, I would argue with him and tell him that he was full of shit for saying things like that to me. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was my own low self esteem taking over, thinking that no one could ever think I was beautiful. Maybe it was years of picking up after this person, paying the bills, doing the yard work and feeling totally alone. I think on some level, I felt he only stayed because of the financial situation.

That night was back in that first year. My trips back from NY were amazing. I went to his house and fell in his bed, not to leave it until my trip home (ok, we had food and went out too). Sex, eat, sleep, repeat. One day, we repeated the routine eight times. Again, I was hooked. I had had great lovers before, but this was different. It was animalistic. This strong physical connection, or need, is what made me move back. It was irrational and I was willing to go along for the ride.

Last night with rebound was fun and there was no sex. He let me drive his rental car, a beautiful black challenger. We drove it just out of town and stopped off a country road, behind a truck stop. We made out and abruptly stopped when we got to the point where we wanted to rip each others clothes off. I love the build up, the power play, the control. We talked a little about what was going on too. Neither of us is interested in having sex with anyone else at the moment and have both turned people down. We both know that one or both of us is bound to get hurt in the end, but we are having fun right now. Once it stops being fun, one of us will pull the plug.