I miss the carnal experiences, the car related stuff, going to see bands, talking, him cooking dinner, watching him figure things out, but I do not miss the day to day life that I had come to dislike so much. It was lonely and boring.
Being here started out great. I felt truly alone when I left the airport. It was up to me to take care of myself and it was like a breath of fresh air. Talking to him yesterday, pulled me back down into the pit. Everyone wants to tell me that I give it power and I can take that power away, but I don't feel that way yet. To finally accept that someone does not want me, then to have them unload so much crap onto me, puts me in a tailspin. He said he loved me ore than anything, that I was his best friend and knew him better than anyone, that no one else 'get's him', and that I am untruthful (so far, I have only lied about rebound) and hide things from him.
I have taken full ownership of the 2 main things I did wrong:
1. Being way too jealous. It's like a sickness that I try to stop, but can't fight back.
2. Being too mean.
I feel the walls building back up. I feel like I need to guard myself. The person that I love and want, is part fantasy. It's not the reality of how things were.
I also need to take a step back from rebound. I started to get comfortable. Not a good thing at this point, for him or me.
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