In to the depths I go, spiraling into the labyrinth, what's inside when I get there? 

The human brain in an amazing thing. So much complexity in 3 pounds; each portion having it's own function. 

What's going on in mine? Way too much. I have this fucked up ability to be lonely in a crowd of people. Loneliness defined is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude; it is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person, as lonely people often find it hard to form close human contacts. 

Here comes the 15 year old side of me that thought that there was never enough of anything: attention, fun, food, sex (not at 15, but later in life), drugs, etc. When did I lose my ability to have fun? When did I decide that nothing was fun? When did I withdraw so much?

I used to cherish the time I had alone, until I was alone all the time. I stayed single (unmarried) until age 29 on purpose. Now, I can't stand it (being alone). I get bored easy and I have to stay in motion or my brain just goes into overtime. 

How do other people perceive me? I wish they knew the truth. I wake up every day, after sleeping like shit, put on my front and go to work. Pretend to be something I am inherently not and bs my way through the day. I get to workout twice, partially because it slows my mind down and partially because I am prone to being a fat ass (and I am probably addicted to the surge of endorphins it gives me). I come home, take care of the dogs but don't spend as much quality time with them as I should, watch TV, wait for the hubby, wait some more, wait some more, then watch him watch tv until i fall asleep on the couch. Wake up in a blind rage about 11 or 12 and tell him to turn the tv off so we can go to bed. Wake up and repeat. 

Where's the fire, where's the passion? I need the constant go, go, go. I want to do something new every weekend and learn something new every week. I want to see the world, I want to escape from this box I feel I have been put in. 

I went to a new juice place today. The room was perfect. It was set up in a manner that slowed me down: floor cushions, wooden table, huge wood doors, cool floor to have my bare feet on. I wanted to close my eyes and just enjoy it in silence for a moment. I wanted it to be high on a mountain with monks walking around outside, on the other side of the world.

I think I need to plan my next big vacation and I think this one may need to be done solo.