I was honest with the hubby tonight. He is going out, while I stay home with the pre-race jitters and go to bed early (not like I will sleep much). I explained that I am not happy right now; I am disappointed about a lot. I have turned into someone he does not like (shit, I don't even like part of ME right now), but a majority of it is due to the situation I have been put in due to his business. I explained that it's obvious to us and everyone around us that we just don't like each other right now. He agreed that he does not know what to do about us either. We love each other, but we are different. Neither of us wanted to get into it tonight due to my race in the morning and I told him I was tired of arguing about things, so when we do talk I won't argue. I stopped initiating sex a while back due to being turned down too many times and now I dropped asking about it as well. It's not worth my energy anymore. If it happens, then great. If not, my imagination is outstanding.
Now I find myself home alone- typical for a night before a race. It's my free meal day and I have not eaten much. I feel like crap, my stomach is a wreck, I feel like I am getting a sinus infection, and I'm fucking lonely! Oh well. I'm a big girl. The movie Waiting To Exhale is on; chick flick time for me.
I am going through a really self centered time in my life right now. I busted ass to get a promotion last year (one that I had to have to make $ to support him). Now I am working on getting my weight to a place I am comfortable with again (I let it go last time, after he moved out for 11 days/ stupid but my mind has equated "you look hot and now he's leaving" for a couple years), eating right, working on my house, buying a new truck, etc. It takes a lot of extra time to workout as much as I have been and to plan all my meals the way I need to. He has been in the same selfish phase for 6 years; focusing on the business and anything car related. How do you work past these phases, especially when one has been going on so long and now we are both in them? How do I fix it? Is there a fix? Is the fix us working it out together or realizing that there are too many differences? Deep down, I think we would end up happier in the long run, if we were not together but I am not ready to think of him with someone else. The thought kills me. It would also be so strange in the house without him.
I need to stop thinking. I need to focus on tomorrow. I should go to bed about 9. I have to get up at 4 and pick up Pam at 5. Random- my right foot keeps cramping. I should take potassium tonight. Do I have everything I need ready to go?
bike, helmet, towel, shorts, shirt, sunglasses, 2 water bottles, socks, shoes, something to change into, snacks, my timing chip, my multiple race numbers, my wristband, my swim cap (color coded for my wave), directions to Pam's, my ID and a spare credit card for emergency, cash for coffee, already put gas in truck, Gu, sunblock..... gosh.... I hope that's all.
I think it's time to let that little internal self-speak take over:
Debra, You kick ass. I am proud of you. You are realizing again that people see you very differently than you see yourself. When are you the happiest? When you are working out and when you are a motivation to others. There is nothing that you can't do if you wrap your mind around it. Mom was right and you know it. You have already proved it to yourself. You did the Danskin tri without training (stupid move by the way), 3 full marathons, multiple half marathons, and you let Cara kick your ass on a daily basis. You lift heavy, treadmill sprints are now your favorite and you can swim with your head down in the water (one day you won't get so winded by it). Remember practice the other day? You hummed while swimming and it kept you calm and collected. If you get stressed during the race, do your 10/2 drills and hum a little song. Think of all the people that are not doing it: some lack motivation and willpower, some just don't want to, others never can never do sports like that for various reasons. You did the Disneyland marathon after grandma died of a stroke and raised pledges for the American Stoke Association. Mom got to be at that one and was so proud that you did that in her mothers honor. You did the inaugural National Marathon To Fight Breast Cancer, for the many women that the disease affects. Dad was there for the first marathon you did and could not have been more proud of his baby. Remember your last conversation with him; he asked if you were still running. Don't let him down. Only your own mind can stand in your way. Now dry those tears you sappy bitch and get some rest. -Me
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